When you just don't want to have sex

If you are experiencing a loss of libido, you are not alone. The most common sexual problem in women is lack of desire.

It's one of the most common problems in women–a lack of sexual desire–so there's no need to feel embarrassed! Sexual desire can change over time, depending on your health, lifestyle or past experiences. Here, we advise on what causes a lack of sexual desire to help improve your sex life.

For quite a long time in our past, talk of women and sexual desire was a no-no. It was thought then that "good" women had no sexual desire, but only had sex to bear children and please their husbands. Nowadays, of course, it's not a horrifying thing to suggest women might desire sex, though talking about sex can still be uncomfortable for women.

There's no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex and sexual desire. Over the course of a lifetime, in fact, a woman's sexual needs may vary considerably. Different women, too, will have different levels of sexual interest and sexual response. What's normal for you might not be normal for your sister or best friend, and vice-versa.

Just what is desire?

Sexual desire, simply put, is the feeling that you want to have sex. It's the first step in a woman's sexual response cycle. Desire is often followed by arousal–the physical changes that take place in a woman's body to prepare her for sex. When aroused, a woman's vagina and vulva get moist and the muscles of the opening of the vagina relax. The uterus lifts up and the vagina gets deeper and wider. The clitoris swells and enlarges. All of these changes prepare a woman's body for sexual intercourse.

Lack of desire

The most common sexual problem in women is lack of desire. When a woman has a low level of sexual desire, it can make it difficult for her to get aroused and can make sexual intercourse difficult or even painful.

There are many reasons a woman might not desire sex. Physical conditions, like chronic illness or pregnancy, might lead to a low level of sexual desire. A woman who is feeling exhausted or stressed, such as after the birth of a new baby or during a period of personal crisis, might not desire sex. Sometimes, as women approach menopause, they might experience a lessening of sexual desire as well as more difficulty getting aroused.

Problems within a relationship, even if the problems are not about sex, might lead to a loss of sexual desire. Other causes might include negative sexual experiences, such as past sexual abuse, or other sexual problems. A woman who has difficulty reaching orgasm, for instance, might lose interest in sex because it's not pleasurable for her. Likewise, a woman who suffers from painful sex (dyspareunia) understandably might not want to have sex. Many women, and men too, experience a lack of desire at some point in their lives.

Should I see a doctor?

Often, the key to regaining desire is to address the underlying cause of lack of desire. Marital counseling might help with conflict in a relationship. Finding ways to reduce stress and relax more might help. Sometimes, as in the case of a new baby, the trick is to just wait. Lack of desire in many cases is a temporary problem.

If you continue to experience a lack of sexual desire, though, you should see your doctor. There might be a medical condition that's causing it, such as lower-than-normal hormone levels or a chronic physical condition. Even if the problem is not physical, he or she might be able to refer you to other experts who can help.

Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about sex or lack of sexual desire and don't assume age or other issues mean you just won't ever desire sex. A woman's sexual response peaks in her late thirties or early forties, but women can enjoy sex fully their whole lives. Most importantly, perhaps, a healthy sexual relationship helps strengthen the overall relationship with your partner.